You may have noticed, I’m late publishing my annual Summer Bucket list.
I’ve always had secret lists of fun adventures for the summer. Two years ago, I started sharing and writing about them. I enjoyed the local outings and weekend getaways. It’s fun to explore your own backyard. And, it was a lot of fun to see who was interested in joining along (and for what). You think you know a person and POOF, suddenly they are all in for gospel brunch? Who knew?
For reasons outside this space, I didn’t actually finish my summer bucket list last year. I’ve reflected on this a lot and can say it truly, even deeply, bothers me. But I can’t seem to figure out why it bothers me so much.
Its possible that as an organized, list maker type of person, I have a gnawing feeling about unfinished business or broken commitments. It’s possible life got in the way. I had a lot going on last summer and at some point, the stress and emotional baggage I was carrying led me to shut down. Its possible, as a Type-A, hard charging person, I have a residual a sense of failure over these self-set goals. The truth is probably a hybrid of all of these things. While I continue to obsess, dissect and dwell on this (as opposed to allowing myself to move on), I have become more self-aware of my limitations as a result.
That’s a gift because late last fall, I was thrust very suddenly into the role of caretaker. (I’d love to share more, in fact it would be cathartic. Its not my story to share and I certainly don’t have permission to do so.) In this role, which most of time makes you feel like a failure because there is little you can do to heal a person, I’m painfully aware that writing a list of fun things to do, knowing that most of them won’t be possible, is … well, its pretty damn depressing. Whoever said being more self-aware was good, may not have been in this position.
It’s a one step forward, two steps backwards kind of thing . Some days you see the light at the end of tunnel and breath deeply. Other days, you feel shut in a dark closet, your hands groping the walls in a desperate search for the door latch. Things will improve, I know they will. It just takes time. And while I wait for them to improve, I don’t have the mental capacity to be side tracked by in town excursions, trips overseas or around the U.S.
Until things are “back to normal” rest assured, I’ll be day-dreaming about places to go and things to write about. With any luck, the summer bucket list will be back in all its glory next year.