Note: In case the title was not clear, the following has nothing what-so-ever to do with travel. But don’t stop reading! This was a fun exercise in creative writing that I decided to publish because it makes me happy. Consider it a brief antidote for holiday stress. Enjoy!
The Elf Express Breaking News (“So Hot Off the Press, it Kringles!)
Santa Suffers Season-Ending Setback In Meteor Collision: Christmas Deliveries Now In Question
Santa’s Work Shop, North Pole: In an early morning press briefing today, recent suspicions and rumors in social media about a suspected mid-space collision between a stray meteor and Santa’s Sled were confirmed. Santa Klaus, aka “Kris Kringle,” sustained a life-threatening injury during a “major incident” eight days ago during the Geminid Meteor shower, as Santa’s Sleigh re-entered earth’s atmosphere during a training exercise.
Details as to the extent of Mr. Klaus’ injuries were not available at the time of this posting. In follow up conversations with a House Elf wishing to remain anonymous, we learned that Santa’s injuries were serious enough to result in a medically-induced coma.
“We’re cautiously optimistic Santa will recover,” said an unidentified spokes elf as part of a brief statement to media. “It was not a large object by the time of the strike. Unfortunately it is also clear that the severity of Santa’s injuries will prevent him from participating in the Christmas 2014 season.”
The spokes-elf’s confirmed Santa’s Sleigh sustained a direct hit by a melting object, which also struck Santa’s left side at a significant speed. Additionally, Santa likely benefited by still carrying added pounds from his summer weight, approximated to be about double his winter working weight.
“Kris is a fighter,” said Mrs. Klaus in a prepared statement. “We spoke briefly today—I get two minutes—and can confirm that his spirits remain high and as always, his outlook is positive. He’s weak, and visibly distraught about missing the 2014 Christmas pull. Please continue to be nice, and rest assured that we are doing our best to find a replacement to deliver presents this year.”
The spokes elf says an aggressive search for a Santa replacement is ongoing. However, finding a suitable replacement will not be easy. In addition to considerations of ballast and sheer strength, the replacement requires an excellent sense of direction and acute attention to detail.
“It’s as much art as brawn,” says one of Santa’s helpers who also requested to remain anonymous. “Add to that the necessary little bit of crazy involved in this high-pressure night, and the list of available option dwindles to a handful.”
Among the list of potential replacements currently in discussion with Santa’s Team 2014 Christmas are The Easter Bunny, Old Man Winter, and Saint Valentine. Once considered a favorite, Jack Frost’s spokespeople explained an ongoing back issue related to climate change prevents him from participating. Saint Patrick was disregarded early on in because of alcohol-related concerns as deliveries go later into the night.
In addition to Santa’s injury, two unnamed reindeer suffered minor shrapnel injuries, but were spared from more serious injury thanks in part to a buffer of 20,000 tons of “test-run presents” padding impact. The faux present load is twice an average load and used in physical conditioning of Santa and his eight tiny reindeer™.
The Spokes Elf ended the briefing by expressing his collective’s great sense of relief that Santa was able to maintain control of the damaged sleigh and guide it safely back to the North Pole. Still, others are criticizing Santa for what they suggest is not-so-saintly behavior.
“It was completely irresponsible to do a run the night after a meteor shower,” said reindeer 208 of the Reindeer Sled Pullers Union (RSPU). “It shows a complete disregard to safety and the go-go-go Christmas rush we believe is directly related to the commercialization of the holiday.”
Continued 208; “if that meteor hit one of our pull teams instead of a fortified, reinforced sled the outcome would have been catastrophic and likely include multiple deaths.” It takes a full eight reindeer to control the kind of tonnage Santa requires.” RSPU has long lobbied for a standard twelve, Santa remains steadfast. “He’s locked in at eight because of Moore’s damned 1823 poem. Even after negotiations to include Rudolph on cloudy nights it’s important to point out that his roll is to light the way. Everyone knows he can’t pull worth a damn.”
In a follow up statement by Reindeer 208, RSPU stated that had the stray meteor killed any of his tiny brethren, the conversation would be “decidedly different.”
“It would have been the end of Christmas as we know it. This accident illustrates the ongoing dangers we encounter on a yearly basis. We have long been calling for changes but moving forward we will be demanding changes. We are in the process of gathering comments from our members right now. These will no doubt address a number of extended issues that must addressed by the Klaus family and their holding company.”
Ongoing points of contention between Santa and the RLSP boiled over in the late 1940s after pullers had sustained numerous injuries while sledding over combat zones. Among outlier issues expected for inclusion are female sleigh representation, non-GMO feed, meeting actor Billy Bob Thornton (famous for his accurate depiction of Santa in the summer months), and heated holding pens.
“Regardless, next year at this time things will be different,” the statement concluded. “They have to be, for reindeer to continue participating in Christmas.”
Elf Express News is part of Noel’s Silent Nightly News Network™