The Year of No Summer Bucket List

You may have noticed, I’m late publishing my annual Summer Bucket list.

I’ve always had secret lists of fun adventures for the summer. Two years ago, I started sharing and writing about them. I enjoyed the local outings and weekend getaways. It’s fun to explore your own backyard. And, it was a lot of fun to see who was interested in joining along (and for what). You think you know a  person and POOF, suddenly they are all in for gospel brunch? Who knew?

For reasons outside this space, I didn’t actually finish my summer bucket list last year. I’ve reflected on this a lot and can say it truly, even deeply, bothers me. But I can’t seem to figure out why it bothers me so much.

Its possible that as an organized, list maker type of person, I have a gnawing feeling about unfinished business or broken commitments. It’s possible life got in the way. I had a lot going on last summer and at some point, the stress and emotional baggage I was carrying led me to shut down. Its possible, as a Type-A, hard charging person, I have a residual a sense of failure over these self-set goals. The truth is probably a hybrid of all of these things. While I continue to obsess, dissect and dwell on this (as opposed to allowing myself to move on), I have become more self-aware of my limitations as a result.

That’s a gift because late last fall, I was thrust very suddenly into the role of caretaker. (I’d love to share more, in fact it would be cathartic. Its not my story to share and I certainly don’t have permission to do so.) In this role, which most of time makes you feel like a failure because there is little you can do to heal a person, I’m painfully aware that writing a list of fun things to do, knowing that most of them won’t be possible, is … well, its pretty damn depressing. Whoever said being more self-aware was good, may not have been in this position.

It’s a one step forward, two steps backwards kind of thing . Some days you see the light at the end of tunnel and breath deeply. Other days, you feel shut in a dark closet, your hands groping the walls in a desperate search for the door latch. Things will improve, I know they will. It just takes time. And while I wait for them to improve, I don’t have the mental capacity to be side tracked by in town excursions, trips overseas or around the U.S.

Until things are “back to normal” rest assured, I’ll be day-dreaming about places to go and things to write about. With any luck, the summer bucket list will be back in all its glory next year.